Nurturing Our Soul

Strength in Faith

"The sonogram tests show that there is no heart beat." These words from the physician echoed like a nightmare in her mind. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. There was such joy at discovering she was pregnant. Now that joy had turned to indescribable anguish. She tried to come to terms with what had happened but medical technology didn't hold the answer — it just was.

She began to reflect on her relationship with God. Could it be that He was punishing her for the mistakes she had made in her life? The more she dwelled on this possibility the more real it became. Her sorrow quickly turned to bitterness and resentment toward Him that gave life and then mercilessly took it away.

"We are going to induce labor to avoid the risk of infection that accompanies surgery." The thought of carrying a lifeless child in her womb was more than she could bear. She had already chosen the name. Daniel for a boy. Amanda for a girl. Her heart was broken and it was God's fault. She slipped into a deep depression and felt abandoned.

Anti-depressant medication was given to ease the symptoms of her depression, but it did nothing to cure the cause. She was experiencing what is clinically known as spiritual distress. This condition occurs when a person feels abandoned by God or by others, or doubts religious or spiritual beliefs. It's any disruption in one's spirit.

The young woman's nurse, recognizing the symptoms, made a referral for the Chaplain. I went to her room and when I introduced myself she began to cry, asking through her tears, "Why doesn't God love me anymore?" I soothed her with an embrace and allowed her to release all the pain and frustration she was feeling.

I learned that she was a single parent. She felt she had made many mistakes in her life. What had kept her going however, was a deep sense that God loved her regardless of her shortcomings. Now, it felt as though even He had given up on her, taking from her what she valued most. We talked at length about life, faith, relationships, forgiveness and love. When I left she wasn't completely convinced, but I felt a healing had begun.

The next day one of our housekeepers, who had seen the young mother's distress, went to her room. Finding her asleep the employee took a card she had purchased at the Week of Spiritual Emphasis and laid it on the nightstand — quietly leaving the room.

The young woman woke up to heavy contractions and within the hour the 14-week-old infant was stillborn. The doctor respected her request to spend some time alone in her room with her baby. She laid in her bed with the infant wrapped in a towel and blanket. Her heart felt as if it would burst through her chest. Kissing the child, she expressed her love to it saying, "I love you. You don't know how much I love you!"

Cradling the baby she leaned over to pick up a tissue and through tear blurred eyes she noticed the card that had been left for her. Picking it up she read these words:

DON'T YOU KNOW? How much God loves you.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither the present nor the future, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God. —Romans 8:38

Later as she recounted her story to me she said, "When I held that card in one hand and my baby in the other everything came together. As I expressed my love for my baby I knew that the love I felt existed because I was loved. I figured if I can love my child like this how much greater must God's love be."

"The most amazing part was that in realizing this I was able to find strength in my faith again. I found myself mourning my child's death, but at the same time hopeful that I would see her again."

"Chaplain," she said, "the pain is still there, but I don't feel alone anymore."

By Paul Crampton, Director of Chaplaincy Services